2008

Life in this RV- Cold. Lonely at times. Lovely at times. I am here to be educated. By myself, by nature, by a kindred soul. I have found a sliver of peace but a slice of restlessness. Peace with life- restless with my life’s motion. I wish this RV could move. But it is dead. Sitting cold- parked at the edge of the woods. The enchanted grove is close- my place to toke, listen, and be heard. Here I feel alive- more human and less of an artist. The moon is my friend in any hour of desperation. My wingman when i have no words.

From Art

How do we give of ourselves? How do you give to yourself? Be self-centered at times- close your chackras at times. Be consistent at times. But loosen your grip on it all at times- loose your mind, loose your body, loose time. Wiggle room. Make space in your mind to create your sanctuary for contemplation- and meditation. I have smashed my brain into nothingness, blended it til only goo is left. I have been open to the world- but one must shun away when being watched- judged. When you need someone to know about you- that they can trust and depend on you. Can one do that if your identity is the world and all ideas within?

From Art

Clubbing. Beat your brain to smitherings. Than start over. The world does not need an intervention with all its closest relatives, it does not need a new cycle in the stars to change its ways. The world, and all of us in it, need to say FUCK ME. Get rid of the old and decrepid. Again, create space for the new, and renewed. You. Us. The World. You identify with You. Identify with me. Be with me. I will be you.

From Art

Ah yes the changing of the seasons. The mutable. Change, adapt, find peace within through the torrent outside. A sense of purpose, a fire for motion. Leaves are dancing. Madly! They fall- graze my fingertips, and spin wildly to let us know they are there. One is scooped up in the gregarious wind. It takes you far from home and finally puts you down to rest amongst the yellow, browns, and reds. All dying- but finally independent. Sharing yourself with new ideas- giving your touch away selflessly. The wind is our mode of travel- to break out and break on through. Our happy decaying brown sister who smiles to be this wild thing. This curious and mutable wild thing with only the wind on her side.

From Art

We walk these streets day and night. We pass by each other with our lips puckered and eyes squinted. Our eyebrows furrowed, our heads stooped down. We walk steadily and firmly past one another. We are scared and we are in this spotlight. For seconds the world is staring at you and you pretend not to care. It knows that you stay cool to avoid confrontation- or direction. It knows you avoid friends, you avoid intuition. You prefer to be anonymous- even to yourself. The world though, has no perspective and no bias. The world sees right through the personal marketing.

We wake in the morning and wait for the warmth and comfort the lies of our egos offer us. The lies- I am stable, I am unique, I am a possibility, I am the future. The truth- I am, we are. To be "cool" is to deny others and yourself the true and perfect vision of your body- your soul. All the vulnerabilities existing on the surface. All the scars, the breaks, cracks- all visible- to you and to those you contact.

From Art

We share with each other- we share substance, we share language, we share ideas. Empathy- gained through eliminating cultural differences and relying on the human animal. Perspective- gained through listening to experience- and allowing those people to open up to you. Go to everyone with an attitude to learn- soak in their perspective- adopt part of the human experience they show you. Adopt a look on their face, adopt a phrase, adopt this wisdom to make your life easier- and certainly more interesting. But never concluded.

From Art

Imagination is limitless but this mind is bounded to this physical world. So I jump in the purple two seater and head towards space- turn on, tune in, dropout. Fly from the rat race of Babylon. Forty minutes later and I burst through the restrictive atmosphere- a new realm. Thoughts different, perceptions changed, ego split. I am the driver and the passenger.

From Art

I am decided. Learn my lessons through life, take the high road. School is the low, the agreement of fear. The delay of thought, or at least the delay of inner thoughts, and the encouragement of lazy ego development. I chose to throw myself in the fire. I want to burn, but the scars are more beautiful and more unique than your pale plush shell. Fear is still in my heart but as a calm fear- or more of a knowing. An ironic belief- one we all share. A nasty temptation made up in our heads. I fear to be alone.

From Art

I have ambition but exist in the moment fully. I am philosophical but am dependent on sensuality. I have ideation but lack much of the power to carry out. I need motivation to be successful in Babylon. In the woods I could stay forever- and change nothing but myself. But by flying over Babylon I can sprinkle love and inspiration for those below me. There is fire in the sky- put that fire in your heart and into your life. Consume life- do not coexist with it. Breathe the fire of life through expanding consciousness and empathy. Evolve into a uniquely extroverted being- existing in each other as much as ourselves.

From Art

A universal blanket of human consciousness- one full of love. Look out past our skies and into space- see the stars. Those external personalities manifested internally- our friends and teachers dancing in the black stretch of night. As the sun rises the ego awakens with it. Our fear sputters around all day long but at night our wolf comes out- the moon breathes a new rhythm into our lungs- and we exist as ourselves. Once- we relied on the moon, but light shown down and gave us wisdom- and fear.

From Art

Where is the truth? We can pretend. But we must deduct from our lives our own truth- what makes us happy? How do we make others happy? We must take enough interest in ourselves. I must take an interest in my emotions. I have had my eyes closed, but I can open them. When? How? Will they open at the right time? Will I naturally fall in line with this new sight? Trust myself and my instincts- because I have experiences. I have life, concrete ideas, yes and no. I need life, abstractions, love and suffering. Pain belongs if it is all the pink you can get- sorrow in your heart is favorable as long as you feel.

From Art

But my heart is solid, soul empty, brain disciplined. Yet I am nothing and have nothing, but- but fear and longing for something more. I can say one thing and feel nothing. Sound of love but no flutter. Pain is the start- to a new being. Physical and Emotional. I am on the path to learn- to love and be loved. I- We must let each other in. Because we will find ourselves already there. Two souls meet- two abstractions braided into one. One Love. One Love Forever.

From Art

The wind, it pours over us. And we pour over each other. The next step of evolution shown right now- acceptance, trust, and loyalty. Loyalty to each other and the passion of life both of us share. We can fly, we burn, we fight and die in the end for and because of each other. We die and arise again-as ash and dust. The beautiful forceful karmic nature of the universe. Consciousness, practical madness- followed by nirvana- the final silencing of our minds. Final acceptance of what we are. We are a part of everything but once we loose our tether we finally become everything. At this moment though- we are alive. Get up and dance- or sit down and melt away. Just be- and become- nothing. The final blossom- the escape from protective Mother Earth.

From Art

Protected: An Active Mind

Ecstasy
I place a pill on my tongue and smile. I let it sit there for a while, let it soak in. I want to taste the magic. I swish some fruit punch in and the pill can no longer be seen. I am about to be different. My consciousness will be altered and there is nothing I can do about it. My thoughts will be erratic, my body will be trembling, my soul will come. Ecstasy makes my body feel psychedelic, like LSD unites the mind and soul, MDMA unites the body and soul. I am coming up, a little anxious for the experience to envelope me and the psychonauts I was with. We walk away from comfort and head through the path to the wild ocean that is waiting for us. I am swept up in a rush of wind as I break through the protective dunes and into the open beach. My mind is gone, at least the mind I am used to. I am beautiful right now, I am confident, I am an amazing lover. I step closer to the water and as it makes its way to my toes, the moon breaks through the restrictive clouds and shines down on us below. We muse about how there must be people living on the moon already, a conspiracy-the government has been moving people up there for years, and we are stuck here on a dying planet. I take a step down from that thought and notice the water again. I take a few steps forward so the waves crash on me every time. As the fleeting sheet of water is swept under the newer bigger wave, I am renewed. The bad energy is taken out of my body, sucked out from beneath my toes and I am left happier and refreshed. I take a picture- the beach, the ocean stretching to the horizon, the moon with its light cascading through the night clouds, and the shimmer of that light on the ocean before me.

From Art

Candyflip Crash
I feel the strong dull thud of my heart’s bell clanging repeatedly against my iron chest. Reverberation after another, I loose more of myself each time. Feeling lost in my own skin, wandering aimlessly in my own foreign mind. I open my mouth to speak but my tongue has lost its identity. I dip now into a shallow pool of personality, borrowed temporarily for the use of my own, from those around me. I dig and find a suitable tone, i speak at last. I can trace the tone back to the source and my eyes tell the story of someone else. Lost, bouncing black circles, moving rapidly around, viewing life’s painting with a new intensity, a naïve genius. To be naïve is golden, to be a child is supreme, to be a bitch is a shame. I am lost and found in an instance. My childlike thoughts circle over each other, the parallels no longer perfect, now running closer and closer to each other, their vibrance shared selflessly.

From Art

Psychedelic Bodies
Image. There are so many levels of our image that we try and use at points in our existence. We slice ourself into pieces just big enough for the crowd to swallow.
And dangerous. The night sweeps us up and our old egos are thrown out. We are renewed at last, but only to return to misinformed friends and an old image. They think I am someone else. The stars determine who we are, how we define ourselves, how others perceive us. Who are you? I am the archer. My arrow shoots beyond reason and practicality. I shoot for the stars, for the unknown. I will not climb to the top of the mountain, I will soar over it.

From Art

DeMiTri
I walk in slowly, not sure what to expect from the next thirty minutes, my eyes rattling with anticipation and my hurt pounding from excitement. We glide upstairs and pack the bowl, weed nugget on bottom-hefty dose of DMT on top. I breathe in deeply-smoking DMT is my fate at this moment. I prepare myself for the experience in a short amount of time, more breath and more ego destruction. A quick word to my associates mother followed by a brisk walk to the back- I notice a trampoline and am drawn to it from previous positive mushroom trips– I position myself comfortably. The spark is shown and the crystals disappear behind the bud, soaking it, then the whole bowl is finished off with the rest of my pull.

From Art

Seconds later I look back at the bowl and I notice its effects already, my glance moves to the background and I see all the plants growing, the sky twirling and becoming pink. I fall back on the trampoline gazing up at the sky and fall into a trance. A woman stares down at me for a while as the sky behind her is dancing like the northern lights on ecstasy. The actual time spent in that perfect world is now lost to me, like a dream I had, slips further and further out of consciousness until there is nothing left.

From Art

BUSTIN BALLS
There is no reason to believe in God.
There is a beginning to this universe, a logical progression to life, a documented evolution to man. All of this, is the transformation of matter, morphed by temperature and pressure into what we observe today. There is no x-factor to life or consciousness, definitely no souls, and definitely no plan for any of us. Everything that makes up our identity’s, our bloated personalities, our beliefs, is a result of our experience with life thus far. If you were raised in a Christian family, you will believe their shit, and project your image as a Christian.

From Art

If you present yourself as a believer your so-called personality is a lie. Your image as a self-proclaimed prophet extends your ego beyond recognition.

From Art

Candyflip
We as humans are a self contained unit. All of our senses, everything we see, touch, taste, hear, and smell, is cataloged and presented only in your mind, in your brain. When meditating on LSD and MDMA, you exist at that time, only in your frontal lobe. You can physically feel the thoughts in the front portion of your head, you feel as if you occupy that space, living at that moment in your own head. You can begin walking through your brain, going down strange and old avenues, mixing everything, a kaleidoscope of thoughts, memories, and creativity. As you can now travel in your brain in a more physical, recognizable manner, you can approach different memories and emotions in a new way, an unheard of way. As you stand up to yourself in your own mind, you become a new consciousness, your body language mimics perfectly your emotional center, your thoughts become increasingly erratic and rotary, and you cease to exist in most practical areas of your brain. You loose touch on socializing, focusing, and everyday problem solving. You become a momentary master of dreams, storytelling, colorful fantasies. You travel deep into the center of your frontal lobe, breaching the most inner creative barriers, taking hold to something more of You than ever before, and without the distractions of normal thoughts, you can perform new tasks in your mind, new analysis, new logic.

From Art

Bombing Kolob
Emerson introduced me to thought. Thoreau destroyed my ambition. Pink Floyd put the melodical ring of difference in my heart.
We put a name on what makes us up. Authors, Friends, Music, etc. What is better though? Be made up of men, or made up of drugs? What is better to change you? A man that has been dead for two centuries, or a substance you hold in your gut this moment. Who can you trust more? Your mind being morphed by words, or stripped and rebuilt again by psychoactives?

From Art

The Fiction We Live
Tripping mushrooms, smoking cigarettes, doing lines of oxycodone. I crush up a muscle relaxer roughly, toss it with some skunk, pack the bowl, and we inhale the chemicals. My hands find their way to your face. I gently roll my fingers over you, grab hold of you. You concede and slide closer to me. Your hands are on me now, moving up and down, caressing every part of my being.
I put a huge smile on my face. Its never felt this good. The happiness pushes us away from this place. We pack lightly and head for the horizon, you and me, running from sobriety, running from responsibility, running from everyone else. We find comfort in each other, we find comfort in our intoxication, we find comfort in being here. Nothing else matters right now. A state of perfection has been reached and I do not ever want to come down.

From Art

Wind
Freedom. Love. Happiness and that breath of fresh air.
Standing tall as the wind pours over you. Throw your head back and breathe once more. Throw everything out of your mind and live right now, only for that force. That carefree invisible coat flowing delicately over the curvature of our faces. Our hair is tossed back and a smile is revealed. Our eyes are closed, we do not see the blackness, we do not notice the absence of sight. We live for right now. We live, for this feeling.

From Art

This could last forever and I would be completely fulfilled. I wish this would last forever. I wish I could be taken up with the wind and fold myself into it. I want to become wind. I want to wrap you up with freedom. I want to blow past you and be the reason you are happy. Let me sweep up your worry and dispose of it across the world. Maybe when we die our consciousness is reduced to wind, to raindrops, to anything beautiful. Our matter renewed by trees, insects, and anything beautiful. We can become more than what we are. We can become less than what we seem.

From Art

Psychedelics
Mushrooms. Food from the Gods. I first tried mushrooms in the summer of 2007, at my house, surrounded by several close friends. I ate a couple grams of homegrown and 480 mg DXM, and prepared for the unknown. That night was filled with strange wonder, laughter, and freeness. This was one of my first psychedelic experiences, and the first that I really had a relaxed fun time with. Combining DXM with psychedelics, I find, reduces anxiety, body pains, and allows for a much smoother, colorful trip. At the time of this experience I had only smoked marijuana a handful of times before, and tried low doses of DXM a couple times. So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was by the immense stoned feeling you get throughout your entire body with mushrooms, and in this case, combined with synthetic morphine(DXM).
The visuals you may encounter are usually subtle, but obviously increase with dosage. You may see the walls appearing to breathe, solid objects become liquified, and planes in your vision separating, making distinct layers of sight. Things have a way that they glow, a gentle ray of light shining behind all things, alluding to some sort of enlightenment. In comparison to LSD, mushrooms use much less mind trickery, meaning you can control your thoughts much easier than LSD. This does not mean you can’t have a bad trip, because believe me you can. You can get caught up with the body high, and panic because it feels too good. LSD is different in that its a stimulant, making you more aware of your body and it’s functions, whereas mushrooms make you feel like goo.

Sally in the Sky
I pull the chilled smoke through Van Gogh’s starry night chamber. The pearly white is shown through the greens, blues, yellows, and reds. I stand up, walk outside, and collapse on the nearest lawn chair. Disoriented for a second, my hands start to feel clammy, and I feel my body temperature escalate quickly. Breathe deeply the new air, and look up to the blue sky. Something is coming out, a woman ripping the sky open, finally she is through. I hope she doesn’t notice me, I am scared of her. Soon she peers down at me, her eyes bigger and brighter than the sun, she looks at me curiously. I sink back in my chair but never stop gazing up at her. Her massive arm comes swinging down at me, her pendulum barely missing my chest. Closer and closer, she has a wryly smile now. She knows something I don’t. I wish she would speak to me, I wish I could understand why she is here, tormenting me endlessly. Finally she folds back into the comfortable blue sky I am used to. I shake it off, dry my hands, try and gather my composure. What the fuck was that?

Lock it Up
My back rests firmly on a white oak, my head points up towards the sky. Clear skies, not a cloud in sight. The pale blue is only blocked by the long brown fingers reaching for the sky, and beyond. Reaching and stretching, calmly in our eyes as they seem slow and cautious to get to their destination. I reach back and touch the friendly tree behind me. Its alive.
Swaying now, wrapping tightly around me. Its fingers form tight ropes across my chest, I can not seem to stop this. My knife does not do much, the tree is still winning, still coaxing me into staying here. The bands now seem unbreakable, so I give up and willingly accept my future. Stay forever locked into nature and see the world pass us by, because we will be here forever. We will be here long after us.
The certain future of humanity is ultimate destruction. I believe that is also the certain outcome of our universe. A cycle of life shown on earth brought about by the cycle of life through the cosmos and beyond. An end brings about a new beginning.
When matter is sucked into a black hole it is destroyed completely, all information ever tied to it is gone. What if God falls prey to one? If he resides in his own universe, will he not be subject to it’s laws? What if God was destroyed and all things tying his existence together eliminated, discharged with all of the other exhaust? Because God exists forever means that he will inevitably be destroyed by nature. His ultimate power will be his ultimate downfall. Leaving a Godless universe behind. One that I believe already exists, right here.
Because God will one day be destroyed, it shows that he was never God at all. The tenets that God has put forth thus are lies, and a mockery of what reality actually is. The comfort is no longer worth it, uproot yourself and turn away from religion, and face your new future.

From Art

DXM and Fun
I can not peel a smile off of my face. I look in the mirror and a upside down triangle is glaring right back at me. My teeth grow to fangs, and my head transforms to that of a dogs. Large does of DXM have this affect. I look away from the mirror finally and reach to turn on the light switch. I see my arm moving upwards, but I feel like it is not even me that decided this move. The light turns on and I look back at the mirror cautiously. My emotions when I saw my newly shown face is a mix of fear and curiosity. Who is this looking back at me? Why won’t he remove his stare deep into my eyes? The mirror only holds my attention for so long before I want to go running. When you feel this light on your feet, this fluid, you want to dance, you want to leap as far as you can, even if it is only a couple inches.
Later that night, I got the usual tunnel vision and major disorientation that accompanies long hours of intoxication with a dissociative. I never got to sleep that night. Too many colors and too many tightly formed kaleidoscopes taking up my attention.

Bad Trips
Darkness prevails in my mind
Emptiness sustained in my heart
I am lost and found in a moment
How can it be this hard?
Fight with yourself
feel loose in your own skin
your ribs shiver incessantly
rip out your chills
and bathe in your own blood
trifle with the thought of suicide
beg yourself to do it
pleading to end everything
it ends quietly
pill after pill tossed back
choking down death
waiting anxiously for it to come
i want my vision to go black
i want my body to slip easily off the edge of life
sliding down blazingly fast
no slowing down
overwhelming feelings coming on too fast
you give up on your ride to freedom
keel over and pour your secrets out for everyone to see
you tried to give up
but you quit before you could
its a real shame
i would have loved to see you here

LSD and More (written November 2007)
LSD-25
I have been dosing LSD-25 pretty often the last couple weeks. It all started with one badass sunday when everybody I hang out with simultaneously decided to get really fucked up, throw worry to the wayside, and just have a comfortable time with one another. I had bought a vile and made about 100 doses on jube-jubes sugar candies a couple days before so I was feeling rather generous and just wanted to party. So I sold several, gave way several, and ate even more. By the end of the day my bag I was caring of 30 was empty and over ten people were having the time of their lives. Pan’s Labyrinth provided the entertainment inside, whereas cigarettes, conversation, and intoxication did outside. Soon those of us outside decided to smoke a blunt, so we piled into my friend S’s car, picked up A, and just had a fucking fun time riding around smoking, listening to music, dancing, and laughing. When we got back we picked up right where we left off. Every person there was on LSD, and there was an assortment of other drugs going around. I had Salvia, Xanax, DXM, alcohol, LSD, and of course marijuana. This combination allowed me to become someone else. I became more aware of how to treat people, how to really make friends, and how to be a real person. I knew I was the catalyst for everyone’s fun day, and it really helped my psychologically to know that such a thing was possible. I have to say this was one of the best days I had in my era of substance abuse and experimentation (which is far from over).
After this sunday I was eating approximately 5-10-15 hits every other day, or sometimes without even skipping a day. I noticed that I get less of the body trip, which is neither bad nor good, but I got all of the positive things. I had a mood lift, stimulation, and noticeable light trails and distortion in my sight all of the time. My fantasies took the stage in my mind more often than not. I could sit in a room for hours dreaming. With closed eyes and imagination I would be thrown into a world of color. I would fly towards the end of the tunnel with the most spectacular lights coming right for me. I would see what I consider as, visualization of thought. My vision would blacken, and small kidney shapes would form, most of them green, yellow, blue, purple, and red. These shapes would then start rotating around a fixed center, get closer to that center, and shapes would start falling into it. This abyss in my mind, is my backbone for thought. These kidney shapes are just data, neurons with information, falling seemingly at random into the center of this particular “wormhole.” I see the brain with many of these wormholes, all connected perfectly so there is no redundancy, all just turning on and off, sending simple signals interpreted by another part of our brain, our consciousness.
Salvia and More
One of the most psychoactive experiences I can achieve is through the use of meditation. Not that is the most intense, it is just that it can easily help you change in a clear minded, positive way. With the use of DMT or Salvia, the user will loose complete touch with reality.
Something that always makes me smile though, is an experience I had with LSD, DXM, Xanax, Alcohol, Marijuana, and the catalyst, Salvia. Without the natural herb salvia, the trip seemed just like a party, but after taking a couple hits of salvia, you become humble. It fucks you up that much. I closed my eyes after I took my first hit. Immediately I am thrown into a tunnel of color. The most beautiful colors in the world, so vibrant, so fast, so loving and unassuming. In the center was what looked like a DNA double helix structure, spinning but always keeping the same distance from my vision. I can honestly tell you, that I get a immense wave of emotion whenever I ponder this experience. It was unlike any other time I had tried salvia. This was warm and friendly.
Other times the message seemed random and unconnected. I would see row after row of aunt jemima syrup lining every wall. I would be transported back in time, back to grocery shopping with my mother. Just the two of us, it seemed like we were in love. I trusted her so much. I love my mother. And without this drug would I have realized my appreciation for her? I do not fucking know.
So what about people that never dipped into psychoactive drugs? Will they ever reach their true potential. Hell yes they will, they just wont have the emotional side to life that others carry. Everything I see is like I have never seen it before. Every view is taken in at once, every smell is noted, every breathe is appreciated. Something I rarely mention is noise. Maybe because the echoes in my mind destroy my love for it. Maybe because I can easily recreate it. With visuals it is obviously more difficult. But again, through the use of psychedelics I can attain a new level of consciousness. A level based completely on visualization. It seems I can rewire myself, my self-contained brain, my processor, me.
Are the drugs worth the risk? Alan Watts put it best when he said “Once you get the message hang up the phone.”